Looking Past and Ahead

As we slide out of 2011, I look back at an amazing year. A year filled with tears of anger, sorrow, frustration, joy and overwhelming worship. I see the growth in every area of my life and thank God for his abundant goodness. I could never have imagined the blessings and healing that has been showered down upon my family. He brought me back to him, has shown me true love, gave me an extended family beyond anything I could have imagined and granted me healing from an illness from which I was told there was no escape.

 Deu 28:2-3 (NIV) All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God: You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country… http://www.blueletterbible.org/Bible.cfm?b=Deu&c=28&t=NIV#comm/2.

Where do I go from here? How do I make this next year not only live up to the last, but greatly surpass it. What does God’s blue print look like me for 2012? Of course I have to trust Him and be satisfied that I will never see the fullness of what he has in store. That doesn’t mean I have to awkwardly stumble forward blindly. Fortunately I have a pastor who is very much interested in seeing his congregation grow personally and succeed in all things. He had some good advice for starting out this New Year.

Before looking at where God is leading me, I need to look to where the Holy Spirit has directed my thoughts, passions and prayers throughout the last year. My list was huge so I just started writing them all down as they came to me: creative arts, prayer, music, fasting, ministry, shepherding, marriage/family, the artist coalition and of course this blog (I am sure as I pray and meditate this list has a very good chance of becoming longer). So where do I start!

Next I needed to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal areas of possible growth; then look for opportunities to advance in those areas in the next twelve months. It was obvious to me that was ALL of them. Hmmm… so God you directed my thoughts and passion directly to the areas of my life I need growth in? What a coincidence. Oh! Oh! Wait… and you have laid at my door step opportunities to advance in those areas. It kind of feels like You are doing all the work God. I forgot… you are. Thank you! I can break these areas of growth into four major groups with several overlapping:  ministry, sharing/developing my gifts,  growing in my relationship with the Lord as well as  growth in personal relationships.

Proverbs 11:28 (The Message) A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree.

The only way I am going to be able to move forward and effectively use the tools God has given me is to invite the Holy Spirit to empower me to become stronger in self and spiritual disciplines. Pray, pray and pray some more. Eliminate the ruminating thoughts of this world. Let go of that incessant anxiety and need to control my environment. Let go of my want for the person around me to be exactly in line with my thinking and truly trusting in the Lord.

Gal 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. http://www.blueletterbible.org/Bible.cfm?b=Gal&c=5&t=NIV.

The final step is to fully offer myself to join the Lord’s purpose no matter where that may lead. Stretching myself to limit, past what I think my limit is.  

NO WALLS

NO FEARS

NO DOUBTS

NO EXCUSES

Looking at it like that, it should be easy, right? Taking down the walls, fears, doubts and excuses eliminates 90% of my life. That should make things simple, right? Look at all the time I will have if I don’t have to be defensive, or worry about things, second guess myself or constantly make excuses for not doing something. Oh….prayer. That’s all I can say, prayer. I better get some knee pads.

Please pause the music and watch the following video "This year will be Different" http://www.sermonspice.com/product/29921/skit-guys-this-year-will-be-different

(I have to give credit to Pastor Scott Flanagan for helping me get my thoughts organized and thank him for his very thought provoking sermon last Sunday.)

Reality check: What happens when you know how you "should feel" doesn’t jive with how you "actually feel"?

Reality check: What happens when you know how you should feel doesn’t jive with how you actually feel?

One of my saving graces over the past year has been to comfort myself with the knowledge that knowing the Father’s love was more reward than I could ever ask for. It cancelled out any fleshy want I have and will last for eternity. Great stuff, huh? The stuff you want to teach your children and for them to build the foundation of their lives on.  So what happens when the fleshly desires seem to take over and become more intoxicating than a hound dog on the trail of a coon.  Last week I found out and I am saddened to say I even verbalized it to a close friend. I was feeling bitter, and feeling like I was being treated unjustly in this big wide world. I knew God was meeting my needs but that day my needs seemed bigger.

It all started when I attended the wedding of a close friend a couple of weeks ago. I was overjoyed with her happiness and the presence of God in her life and the humility that had overtaken her. This was the reason I wanted to go into ministry. To see lives like hers changed. She was glowing with the love of Jesus and you could see the peace in her life. It was wonderful. The reception was beautiful. Later that evening my family and I attended dinner at her parents’ house and we were sitting and talking with her sister, who also is a follower of Jesus. She and her husband have made some major life changes in the pursuit of happiness. They just bought a two very lovely new cars; they own a home and have magnificent plans for the future that involve many grown up toys. Ahhh…I remembered those days and I am so happy I am no longer seeking material things in my life to maintain happiness. Or am I? No, I am. I would have to be, right?  I spent the rest of the evening giving parts of my testimony and verbally reassuring myself and others that I felt I was on the right path.

This little question kept sneaking up on me throughout the week until I lost it. It’s not fair. God knows my heart. Why does he want me to feel so financially insecure all time? He doesn’t, right? Do I not trust him enough? What else do I have to do to prove I trust him?  In tears, I yelled about not being able to provide enough for my children for Christmas. Complained about the new tires I need to buy and the financial burden of my daughters braces. I was even angry that I couldn’t afford to get my hair dyed. I didn’t feel like I was asking for much. Just a little bit above starving. How long could God expect me to live under this stress?

Now self-condemnation is not of the Lord but that’s exactly what I was feeling. I was angry over the feeling that my needs weren’t met but even angrier at myself for being so immature about it. I wanted to point fingers and blame other people for the way my life was at this moment. From an outsiders perception they may have even been legit excuses. Deep down, I knew. I am where I am because I choose to live my life for so many other reasons, other than for the Lord, for such a long time. The enemy had me right where he wanted me. I was drowning in loathing and self-pity. So I prayed.

Soon the self-condemnation started to melt away and I felt His love come over me… “I do know your heart daughter. I know it has been broken and bruised. I see your needs child. I know you”. I began to cry tears of thanksgiving. He had been providing so much more than my basic needs. I have a family that loves me, children that adore and respect me and a future husband that is walking through a healing process with me, while going through his own healing process. My relationship with my parents had been restored and I was of sound mind.

Psa 103:2-13 Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel:  The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.  He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.  For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.  As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him…  http://www.blueletterbible.org/index.cfm

Now the conviction of the Holy Spirit was upon me. I knew I had not been giving all I could to the Lord. I had been lax on my devotional time. I had told myself that studying for my pastoral class counted as my devotional time. I was not truly spending enough time in prayer (mainly emergency prayer when I was freaking out). He deserved more out of a conversation with me. I needed to listen. I hadn’t been listening. I had been saying all the right things but all I was really doing was walking around in a big circle. Waiting for Him to show me the blueprints for my life but not standing still long enough or listening close enough to let them be revealed. I didn’t trust him enough and I was taking his friendship for granted. I was being selfish.

So as I walk along today I can put another tick under “Victory for the Lord” and relish in the fact that the enemy’s plan to derail me has failed again.

Nagging Question #1

In my life I have made some really bad decisions, as well as some super good decisions. I set goals when I was younger, just like everyone else does, and I achieved every single one of them by the age of 24. I was married with two awesome kids, made lots of money, was advancing quickly in my career, owned my own home, had the cars I wanted, all the toys my husband wanted and a terrific extended family. Yet I still felt this huge hole in my heart. So I kept filling it up with everything I could buy. Nagging question #1: Why am I still not happy?

Nirvana

My son is studying world religions in school. He comes home and says, "I am going to give you a definition and you tell me the word that it is describing." I can do this. He says "Total Freedom...freedom from everything rooted in this world." Awesome, I know the answer. "It's the freedom that we find in the love of Christ." He smiles and looks at me. He asks me to elaborate. So I explain the freedom that I have discovered. The freedom from bondage in sin, greed, jealousy and hate. The freedom to love and the freedom to forgive. The freedom in no longer contemplating the afterlife or the road to happiness. The freedom from want of excess material things. The freedom from constant pursuit of self glorification, searching for approval from other people in this world. The freedom to say what I believe and not be ashamed, to believe fully what I say I believe. To have the confidence to say that what I believe exist with all my heart and mind, because I have experienced it, lived it, felt it. The freedom in knowing and experiencing instantaneous healing. Freedom even when experiencing pain and trails that it is just the ultimate refining process, gradually preparing me for things to come therefore negating true pain and hopelessness.
He smiles again. "Only you, mom, would turn an ancient Indian philosophical concept into something about Jesus. The answer was nirvana." I found my nirvana in Christ. How cool is that?
Nirvāṇa (Sanskrit: निर्वाण; Pali: निब्बान (nibbān); Prakrit: णिव्वाण) is a central concept in Indian religions. In Sramanic thought, it is the state of being free from suffering. In Hindu philosophy, it is the union with the Supreme being through moksha. The word literally means "blowing out"—referring in the Buddhist context, to the blowing out of the fires of greed, hatred, and delusion.[1]