Reality check: What happens when you know how you "should feel" doesn’t jive with how you "actually feel"?

Reality check: What happens when you know how you should feel doesn’t jive with how you actually feel?

One of my saving graces over the past year has been to comfort myself with the knowledge that knowing the Father’s love was more reward than I could ever ask for. It cancelled out any fleshy want I have and will last for eternity. Great stuff, huh? The stuff you want to teach your children and for them to build the foundation of their lives on.  So what happens when the fleshly desires seem to take over and become more intoxicating than a hound dog on the trail of a coon.  Last week I found out and I am saddened to say I even verbalized it to a close friend. I was feeling bitter, and feeling like I was being treated unjustly in this big wide world. I knew God was meeting my needs but that day my needs seemed bigger.

It all started when I attended the wedding of a close friend a couple of weeks ago. I was overjoyed with her happiness and the presence of God in her life and the humility that had overtaken her. This was the reason I wanted to go into ministry. To see lives like hers changed. She was glowing with the love of Jesus and you could see the peace in her life. It was wonderful. The reception was beautiful. Later that evening my family and I attended dinner at her parents’ house and we were sitting and talking with her sister, who also is a follower of Jesus. She and her husband have made some major life changes in the pursuit of happiness. They just bought a two very lovely new cars; they own a home and have magnificent plans for the future that involve many grown up toys. Ahhh…I remembered those days and I am so happy I am no longer seeking material things in my life to maintain happiness. Or am I? No, I am. I would have to be, right?  I spent the rest of the evening giving parts of my testimony and verbally reassuring myself and others that I felt I was on the right path.

This little question kept sneaking up on me throughout the week until I lost it. It’s not fair. God knows my heart. Why does he want me to feel so financially insecure all time? He doesn’t, right? Do I not trust him enough? What else do I have to do to prove I trust him?  In tears, I yelled about not being able to provide enough for my children for Christmas. Complained about the new tires I need to buy and the financial burden of my daughters braces. I was even angry that I couldn’t afford to get my hair dyed. I didn’t feel like I was asking for much. Just a little bit above starving. How long could God expect me to live under this stress?

Now self-condemnation is not of the Lord but that’s exactly what I was feeling. I was angry over the feeling that my needs weren’t met but even angrier at myself for being so immature about it. I wanted to point fingers and blame other people for the way my life was at this moment. From an outsiders perception they may have even been legit excuses. Deep down, I knew. I am where I am because I choose to live my life for so many other reasons, other than for the Lord, for such a long time. The enemy had me right where he wanted me. I was drowning in loathing and self-pity. So I prayed.

Soon the self-condemnation started to melt away and I felt His love come over me… “I do know your heart daughter. I know it has been broken and bruised. I see your needs child. I know you”. I began to cry tears of thanksgiving. He had been providing so much more than my basic needs. I have a family that loves me, children that adore and respect me and a future husband that is walking through a healing process with me, while going through his own healing process. My relationship with my parents had been restored and I was of sound mind.

Psa 103:2-13 Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel:  The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.  He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.  For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.  As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him…  http://www.blueletterbible.org/index.cfm

Now the conviction of the Holy Spirit was upon me. I knew I had not been giving all I could to the Lord. I had been lax on my devotional time. I had told myself that studying for my pastoral class counted as my devotional time. I was not truly spending enough time in prayer (mainly emergency prayer when I was freaking out). He deserved more out of a conversation with me. I needed to listen. I hadn’t been listening. I had been saying all the right things but all I was really doing was walking around in a big circle. Waiting for Him to show me the blueprints for my life but not standing still long enough or listening close enough to let them be revealed. I didn’t trust him enough and I was taking his friendship for granted. I was being selfish.

So as I walk along today I can put another tick under “Victory for the Lord” and relish in the fact that the enemy’s plan to derail me has failed again.